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Jokes thread

Post by Paul on Sat Mar 22, 2014 10:31 am

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday..
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb...Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way
The blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50
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Re: Jokes thread

Post by Paul on Sat Mar 22, 2014 10:31 am

Why Go to Church?

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1) they don't like me, and (2) I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:

(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

~~~~~

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

~~~~~

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

~~~~~

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

~~~~~

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

~~~~~

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

~~~~~

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "
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Re: Jokes thread

Post by Paul on Sat Mar 22, 2014 10:33 am

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes a letter to her Grand-daughter:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
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Re: Jokes thread

Post by Paul on Sat Mar 22, 2014 8:07 pm

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."

"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
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Re: Jokes thread

Post by Scrappy on Sun Mar 23, 2014 7:00 pm

What are hundreds and thousands ?
Smarty poos ...

Good thread Beatle Paul
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Re: Jokes thread

Post by testy on Thu May 01, 2014 4:15 pm

THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir ?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said
the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then Valerie appeared an announced to the man
she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation the man
pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs. After an hour the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row as she was
too expensive. But there where no discounts. the price
was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs. After an hour he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and the went
upstairs.

After there session, Valerie questioned the man, "No
one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from ?" she asked.

The man replied, "Ontario".
"Really ?" she said. "I have family in Ontario".
"I know" the man said. "Your sister died and I am her
Attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000
inheritance.

THE MORAL OF THE STOREY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.

1...DEATH
2...TAXES
3...BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER
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